Before I begin-

I’m about to share some vulnerable things. Please don’t let what I’m going today make you think bad about my mom or me for that matter. She was a wonderful mother who loved me. She did the very best she could so while I share some raw moments this is in no way to dis-honor or disrespect her. It’s important that I share what I’m going to share because to {tell our story is to tell of Him.}

I found a few note’s in my baby book written by my mom that says- “When the doctor told me it was time on May 23 1985, I was so excited that I laughed and had tears. I couldn’t wait for you to be born, then you were born. Me and your father were so excited, it can’t be put into words. Your father saw you minuets after you were born. His was the first face you saw. I didn’t see you till several hours after birth. You were a beautiful rosey red cheeked baby. You brought more joy and happiness into our lives. We wanted you so bad and God gave us a beautiful baby. I love God, your father, you and all our family. I love our lives everyday. I have everything that I could ever want. You and your father are the most important people in my life and I love you more than you could imagine. God gifted me with both of you.”

After my father passed my mom was never the same. I remember her always telling me that I was what kept her going. Parts of my childhood we were buddies. Just the two of us. When I was young though she took a lot of her anger out on me. She was hurting and I was there.

As I got older I noticed more of her struggles and saw the tears she shed. She was also in a very long relationship (most of her life) that wasn’t the best for her. I’ll never forget when I was in 8th grade we both went to church one night. I was with the youth and she was with the adults. During the ride home she told me how she had raised her hand during the ending prayer. People came and laid hands on her and she weped. After that I saw a change in her but sadly the hardships of life were too hard for her to bear.

As I get older I felt like I had to become the parent. I felt like I was pushed to the side while her boyfriend had become front and center. I moved out when I was 19 and still continued to see my mom struggle. My grandma and I had helped her many times through various occurrence’s. Hurtful things were said to my grandma and I and at the time I built a huge wall towards my mom. I was hurt. Looking back though I now see where the mental illness had started. It wasn’t her talking, saying or acting the way she did. She was broken and was in survival mode most of her life.

The hurt had built up in my heart over the years from childhood. I became cold and ugly to her. My grandma still loved her unconditionally though. It was beautiful that no matter what my mom did she was still there for her little girl.

I would get upset because I felt like my grandma made excuses for her. I felt like she was enabling her. Sadly there were times I would only hug my grandma and not her. I would make comments to my grandma and others saying “she made her bed and now she gets to lie in it”. I said this years before she actually did become bed ridden. Although my grandma stood in the gap and was like a second mother to me I was hurt because my mom wasn’t meeting my expectations. For being someone who has empathy I didn’t in those moments of expectation. I didn’t consider her and the wounds she had experienced.

My heart was so hardened.

In 2015 when my mom was officially diagnosed with dementia I knew I needed to make amends with her. I went to my grandma’s house and had a long talk with my mom. She didn’t say anything but she cried and I prayed with her. I thought I had forgiven her that day.

Fast forward to 2017, my grandma was diagnosed with uterine cancer. With her having to be in the hospital my mom had to come live with us. At the time we were living with my mother n law and while that was one of the hardest seasons of my life I see now what a blessing it was. My mom couldn’t be left alone and my mother n law really stepped up to help us. I can’t imagine what it would have been like if we weren’t living there during that time to be honest.

One day we were all leaving the hospital. Walking back to the truck I made a sly comment about my mom and Brian said, babe you haven’t forgiven her. Defensive, I said yes I have! What are you talking about!? Deep down I knew he was right though.

With her living with us I started to see how bad my mom really was since we took her out of her normal routine with my grandma.

One Saturday Brian took the girls out for the day so I could rest. Being there for my grandma and driving to the medical center almost everyday, working and being a wife/mother was alot at that time.

My mother n law watched her so I could sleep. I woke up, went into the kitchen to make lunch and my mother n law said, your mom got sick but don’t worry I cleaned her up. I felt bad and said you should have told me but she said it’s ok! After I ate I went back into the kitchen and I saw my mom throw up.

I yelled at her and told her to get into the bathroom now! She hadn’t showered in weeks and that was not like her. It had been a struggle for awhile to get her to bathe. If you know my mom she was always done up. She loved doing her hair and make up.

I forced her in the tub. Seeing her fragile body was a bit of a shock to me. I put the water on Luke warm and she started screaming because it was too hot. The only way she could tolerate it was me putting it all the way on cold, yet she was shivering. Her personality tended to change. Sometimes you would see bits of Debbie and other times you would see the dementia. In that moment she was Debbie. She was crying and looking at me, she kept saying I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry over and over again. She knew it was me, her daughter bathing her. I’ll never forget the way she looked at me.

I was still in shock as I bathed her and couldn’t fully comprehend in that moment what was happening, Once I was finished I ran to our room in tears. I felt like I couldn’t leave my bed but it was then that God did surgery on my heart. He literally took out my heart of stone and gave me a new one. I didn’t realize how heavy the unforgivness and bitterness was until I experienced true freedom.

**My mother-n-law has now moved from this home so the last time I went there I made sure to take a picture of the place where it all changed for me. I wanted this sweet reminder to look back on.**

It was when I finally became vulnerable that I was able to open my heart and allow God to work in me.

I went out into the living room and sat next to her. I told her how sorry I was for the way I had treated her. I prayed with her and told her I will be with you till the very end.

After that, the hardships still continued. Getting her into a nursing home was tough. Once we found one I’ll never forget the way I felt having to drive her there knowing she won’t be coming back with me. It was hard. She then started having seizures. We had to move her to second home because she was combative. The second home failed and left her in a wheelchair alone knowing she was a fall risk and she hit her head and fractured her hip. We then were able to move her 15 min away from where I lived. She was then bedridden for 5 years.

There are so many stories. Everyday was something new. Every-time the phone rang my heart would sink because I didn’t know if it was just an update or something bad had happened. There were sacrifices and missed things but I wouldn’t change it. I wouldn’t change anything about being there for her.

Out of all the stories I could tell the most important is the forgiveness. The reconciliation. God is bigger than any disease and I saw Him working in her through the years. And He also worked in me. I’ll never forget one of the seizures she had. I witnessed it and it was horrible. I started crying and yelling for the nurses to come and my grandma had to console me. Once she came to the CNA’s put her in her bed so I could feed her. There was worship music playing and I can’t fully explain the beautiful moment we had. She was mumbling as if she was having a full on conversation. She kept grabbing at my hoodie as I was feeding her. My grandma sat behind me watching and out of now where she said your mom is apologizing to you for everything.

The day I was born she was my first love but over time it became calloused. When I let go of my right to hold onto forgiveness I fell in love with her all over again but it was a new kind of love. A deeper, richer kind of love.

I can tell you the things she said or did and it doesn’t even affect me anymore because I know she loved me. I know those things spoken weren’t her and aren’t the truth. She had a beautiful tender heart that was broken and it completely changed who she was.

Since then, have I felt bitterness rise up within me because of other people? Yes. Do I still get offended with others although being offended is a choice? Yes. I’m not perfect. This is why scripture says in Luke 9:23- And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.

It’s a daily thing. And I have to remind myself how heavy it is to carry. I have been hurt by other’s yes but I find that I have also hurt people as well.

There are times now that I struggle with the guilt of the way I treated my mom. I should have pushed in. I should have loved on her more. It’s easy to turn away. It’s easy to pull back from people who frustrate and hurt you. I’m not saying that all circumstances call for reconciliation ( I know there are some pretty horrible stories in this world) but I do know God’s heart and His heart is for us to forgive.

Something to ponder-Was it easy for Jesus to carry the sins of the world? Was it easy for Him to carry that cross?

Matthew 6:14- “If you forgive others the wrongs they have done to you, your Father in heaven will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive the wrongs you have done.

Unforgiveness is heavy. To me it’s like a defensive mechanism to actually deal with the hurt. But when we allow God to work in us we find healing, we find peace and we find freedom.

Since my night of freedom, I’ve had the last 6 years to truly love on my Mom. To make up for lost time. It may have not been what I expected or how I would have pictured it but there is always beauty for ashes.

It has been a true honor to get to advocate for her. To be her legal guardian. To be her voice. The love I have for her is unexplainable.

Towards the end I didn’t leave her side. I was in denial at first because taking care of someone with dementia is like a roller coaster ride. As one of the nurses said, your mom is like a box of chocolates you never know what your going to get. That couldn’t be more true. Her dementia was a mystery. So when she started declining we all thought “oh that’s just Debbie” she’ll bounce back.” But her hospice nurse knew. Once I started to see it and believe it, I’d get there first thing in the morning, run home to eat, go back and stay till the evening. I kept being told to make sure I’m resting but I said no, I will rest when she’s gone. These were the final days and I needed to push through. My grandma always told me “you’ll never regret seeing her too much”. And she was right.

Once I knew it was getting closer to the end I stayed two nights there. It’s always long and difficult to watch someone you love pass but we had some beautiful moments. Moments of prayer, worship and me holding her and continuing to tell her how much I love her. Even my sweet Makailyn had some raw moments with her. Praying with her and on her own went and grabbed my anointing oil out of my purse to put on her. I’m thankful I had the time I had with her. I’m thankful I had the time to love her and tell her everything I needed to over the years. Her life doesn’t make sense. All of the hardships seem so unfair. I may not understand why Jesus didn’t heal her on this side of heaven but I trust my heavenly Father. I know she is with Him. A week before she passed I was given a word that He is holding her. It was a very specific word. A gift and reminder that He gave me to hold onto as she was passing.

Please don't judge these next two photos. My sweet daughter took this when I wasn't looking and I took the one of her when she wasn't looking either. I'm so thankful I have these because I want to have photos to look back on to really remember these tender moments.

I’m reminded of John 16:33-

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

I found a quote on the internet that was perfect for me to add this-

“I’ll be your legacy, I’ll be your voice, you live on in me. So I’ve made the choice to honor your life. By living again. I love you, I miss you, I’ll see you again.”

So many people loved her. She caught the hearts of several of my friends, nursing home staff and her amazing hospice CNA who called her family. It made my heart so happy to see.